Episode#21: Babes & The Birthday Blues

Babe That's Bonkers Podcast

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Episode#21: Babes & The Birthday Blues

because crying on your birthday is so f*cking human

Kaylee Faria

Apr 03, 2025

Episode #21: Babes & The Birthday Blues

Welcome Babes to the 21st episode of the Babe That’s Bonkers Podcast! I’m your host, Kaylee Faria, and I’m thrilled to take you on this bonkers journey into my world.

In this episode, I’ll share a little bit about the birthday blues—yes, it’s normal to cry on your special day—as well as a much needed update in the astrology department, and what I’ve been up to on my little personal spring break. So, grab your favorite drink, get cozy, and let’s get chatty ;)

“Hey babes, welcome back for another episode of the Babe That's Bonkers podcast.

I'm your host Kaylee, so happy to be here, so happy to have you here.

We did indeed take a little unexpected break intermission of sorts.

I suppose calling it a spring break would be quite appropriate based on like the timing.

I seem to be learning about myself that whenever things like holidays such as Christmas or my birthday pop up, and I have just a lot more planned in my life going on than usual, it's harder to keep up with hobbies, side hustles, things like that.

So you know, in the future, I'm just either gonna plan to batch some episodes or plan to skip some episodes because it is always like disappointing when you like plan to do something and like don't accomplish your goal kind of thing, yadda yadda yadda.

And I don't like feeling like a failure.

So now that I've learned this little pattern that I'm establishing, I will hopefully be better able to set myself up for success and give y'all some more realistic expectations on what kind of content is going to be coming out and all that jazz.

Something with me is, you know, believe it when you see it because I have a lot of ideas.

I have a lot of things going on in my brain and there's only so much time in the day and I'm just, you know, a regular human person with other things to do outside of my super fun content creation, artistic journey type things.

So anywho, so happy to be back after a little break.

I do feel very rested.

However, I also feel like I've missed out on talking about and sharing so much.

I feel like I have so much to talk about in today's episode and next week's as well, that there's just, there's not enough space for it all.

But guess what?

There is.

Because it's my podcast and I'm the one in charge and I can talk for absolutely however long I want to and release as many or as little episodes as I want to.

So I need to stop stressing myself out and just go with the program.

So today's episode is going to be based around birthdays and the birthday blues.

You know, it's not uncommon for humans to get a little bit bummed out around their birthdays, which feels a little backwards.

Because birthdays are supposed to be like happy times of celebration, feeling super special, and yadda yadda yadda.

But we're gonna get into it.

The reason why it's relevant is because I just had a birthday.

I am 24 years old now.

Before you were talking to a 23 year old, now you're chit chatting with a 24 year old.

Here we are rocking and rolling on the roller coaster that is life.

Just keep it on, keep it on.

Overall, I did have a lovely birthday.

I will be sharing stories throughout today's episode about this year's birthday, maybe some past birthdays.

So I'm not gonna just divulge the whole thing immediately.

Gotta keep you on your toes.

We're wanting for more, if you will.

So diving right in.

The birthday blues are a concept I heard from someone else on the interwebs at a point in time, perhaps a few years ago.

I feel like I learned about the concept at a stage in life where it's usually supposed to start happening like around the age of like 22 and whatnot.

You know, after 21, what's like the next fun birthday?

Like at that point, you know, you're just an adult who's like getting older.

It's like, I don't know, the vibes change after that.

And I do still think that there are lots of fun things about birthdays getting older that we will get into momentarily.

But when I really think about it, I did have like the birthday blues is whenever I was younger, perhaps, kind of that age where like Christmas also starts to be a little bit less exciting.

I think it's like, you know, you're at that age, you know, 10, 12, 13, 14, whatever, like end of elementary school, middle school, beginning of high school, whatever, something like that.

You know, you start developing just like your own preferences in life, your own personal tastes, you know, you're developing human, your personality is starting to like really like, you know, grow and also like solidify in different ways.

And just there's a lot going on as a young human during that time.

And I feel like for me personally, like I started to just develop like a lot of different expectations for like what, you know, special moments are supposed to entail.

I feel like a huge part of that is just like growing up with social media specifically, like we compare ourselves so much to those around us.

And we see so many more people around us.

I'm like using air quotes because it's like, you know, the internet, you're not physically around people, but you're still surrounded by way, way, way, way, way more like thoughts, voices, and all that jazz.

And like we're really meant to as humans, like are really just meant to engage with the people who are like physically near us to a degree.

Anywho, that's like an existential crisis for another time.

But I feel like all these elements of like comparison and like what ifs and I should have, could have, would have done all these different things to have made it like a more special occasion.

You know, that can often lead to a lot of disappointment.

And I feel like birthdays are just like the perfect example of the phenomena of just like expectations in general.

I think that expectations often lead to disappointment because very rarely does life ever go according to plan.

I feel like this is something I may have mentioned in the past, but I don't know, I'll probably mention it a million more times because it is just really one of those like core thoughts of mine.

It's something that's like discussed in the book The Four Agreements as well.

You know, just like letting go of expectations is a very, very helpful tool for happiness because if you have no expectation, then you know, when things like don't happen your way, you know, you're not going to be disappointed because you didn't actually have a way you wanted them to go in the first place.

And you can just like appreciate the good that came and learn from whatever bad may have came if like things actually didn't go well or something like that.

And when it comes to birthdays, I think, you know, it's very easy to want like the big party, the attention from a lot of different people, you know, you want to be made special.

And it's not selfish to want those things, but you also have to be like realistic in regards to, you know, what kind of season of life you're in, where you're at like physically, like I personally couldn't have had like a huge big like extravaganza party with like hundreds of people, A, because of like the financial place that I'm in in life and like my goals that I'm working towards and all that jazz, but also physically, like I don't know that many people here in Arizona.

Like I've been here for five years and I have met a lot of people, but to have a party like that, I have to be like inviting like acquaintances and strangers and whatnot.

And frankly, like that's not the kind of attention that I'm looking for.

And like personally value, I'm very much like dollars over dimes kind of gal.

Like I would much rather have just like one really, really amazing person to spend my time with than 10 people that I got to hang out with.

But like the quality of time was just, you know, a lot lesser because, you know, it was like divided amongst people versus like when you like spend all that time with the same person kind of thing.

I didn't need to kind of lose my train of thought there.

Thanks a lot phone for giving me notifications.

I should really just leave that thing in the other room.

But it does come in handy and sometimes have notes in it and works as a great like assistant for my brain to just like hold on to information for me until I'm like ready for it.

But anywho, beyond just like expectations, you know, setting up for disappointment in a way, when it comes to birthdays, I do feel like, you know, just like the existential crisis of like, I have regrets of like things that I have done, things that I haven't done, things that I wanted to do and work on, but like didn't give myself the time for kind of thing can also come into play.

This is at least what I was kind of personally experiencing with the birthday blues.

This year was a little bit different for me than usual, because a lot of the times I do get the birthday blues on my birthday, because I'm just like waiting for this like, aha, super special feeling to like kick in, but it's also just a regular day for everyone else kind of thing.

But this year, I feel like I got the birthday blues like out of the way the day before, and my actual birthday was actually pretty pleasant throughout.

And when it comes to like the birthday blues in the past, having them on my actual birthday, I don't really dwell on it a whole lot.

Like, I have definitely like cried in birthdays past over, you know, a plethora of different things.

But it's also not what I value most about those days.

It's not what I remember most about those days.

And it's not what I really choose to focus on when it comes to like reminiscing about my birthdays.

I feel like it's just something that I've come to like learn about myself and now I'm able to prepare for it a little bit better.

I feel like this that's why this year, you know, I kind of had my little menti be the day before instead of the day of.

So my birthday was pretty special and nice.

And, you know, it's always fun to not cry, right?

But, you know, there's also no shame in crying.

It's very human.

And to have that expectation of yourself to be like a different, perfectly happy human who's not able to experience anger or frustration or sadness or disappointment just because it's your birthday, you know, that's pretty unfair to like place on yourself.

So, like, it's okay if you need a little crisis, you know, it might even make you feel better so you can move on with the rest of the day and, you know, start to enjoy yourself after you've like released some necessary emotions and all that jazz, you know, there's just no need for like the extra pressure like yes, it is wonderful to try to make your day any day really, but like especially your birthday, you know, a little bit more special, you know, doing things that are a little more out of the ordinary, but there's also no pressure other than like what you put on yourself.

Like you get to decide how much pressure you're under to have a special birthday.

And, you know, it's also unfair to like put that pressure on to like other people around you.

Like, you know, of course, you want your partner to like remember your birthday and be a part of your special day and to like enjoy time with you, think of you, do things that are like thoughtful and whatever, but to like put all of the pressure on another person to like provide you with the perfect day is also pretty unfair.

So I think that's something that, you know, just it helps to be aware about, you know, how you're you're treating your friends and your family and your loved ones, the people who are going to be surrounding you and sharing you with love on that day.

You know, I found that it definitely helps to just kind of like share what you're going for, but also just like leave things pretty pretty open ended and not really expect much back.

I feel like that also makes like birthday surprises and gifts and stuff like that just feel all the more special.

Like this year, I got I got birthday gifts from people I really just didn't expect to get birthday gifts from.

And it was such a delightful, thoughtful, special treat.

And part of me almost feels like bad about it.

And that's something that I've had to work through over like many, many years is I am not the best like gift receiver.

I feel guilty for receiving gifts.

I feel like I need to just be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you shouldn't have wasted your money on me.

Like you should have just like left things fine.

Like we can just like hang out and like that's enough.

And on one hand, I do feel like that's something that's really like sweet about myself that like that's all I really like need and like desire from other people is just like that kind of like quality time.

But for people who do have a love language of gift giving, you know, I have definitely like hurt people in the past by just like having a hard time receiving love and receiving kindness from other people.

Like I feel like it's my job to give it.

So I'm not allowed to like receive it back, which is very, very backwards because I give love so, so much better when I'm also receiving it because my cup is full and overflowing kind of thing.

But all to say is like when it came to like gifts this year, like, I don't know, I'm just in like a precarious season of life as being a young girl in her 20s.

And I know most my friends are also kind of in the same boat in today's economy and all that jazz.

So I don't really like expect people to spend money on me, but people did and people also made things and wrote things.

And it was just, you know, so, so sweet.

And I can't honestly say like I would have like felt that kind of like appreciation and joy if I were just like expecting gifts from everybody and like wondering what they were gonna get me and like judging them for what they got me, like placing that like, oh, like how much you value me as a person and value as a friend is like defined by the kind of gift that you gave me.

Like I know some people do think like that and it is, it's not how I think, it's not how I think that like happy humans choose to think if that happens to be your thought process around your birthdays and not trying to shame you.

But perhaps that's something to be a little self-aware about so you can actually enjoy your birthday.

You know, like that's the goal here is we're trying to to let go of all the things that like prevent us from experiencing peace and joy, right?

And that's just like expectation at the end of the day and pressure and all these other things.

Something I did want to touch on more was just like the concept of regrets, you know, I feel like my last birthday happened like not too long ago.

I feel like not enough time has passed for it to have actually been a whole year.

And I can on one hand name a lot of really, really cool things that I've, you know, done and started like this podcast, My Journey as an Artist and, you know, just some other more personal goals.

And I've accomplished those things.

And that's actually like really wickedly cool, but I also feel like there were a lot of things that I wanted to try and do specifically like, you know, travel wise, experience wise, adventure wise, that I just didn't actually like make the time for or have the resources to accomplish.

And you know, that's also like pretty bumpy.

It's kind of making me feel like, you know, I didn't really like do enough.

I didn't make the most of my time.

And here I am getting older, losing another year.

And you know, all of my like hopes and dreams are just like passing me by, which is not true.

Because like I said, I have actually made progress towards my dreams in the last year.

And that is something that is really beautiful and really amazing that I'm trying to hold on to.

But I will be talking more about the positives in a second.

I'm still trying to focus on the birthday blues here at Kaylee.

Because it's normal to have regrets.

I feel like your birthday is like your own personal new year in a way that causes you to like look back and reflect.

And there's two sides to that coin.

You know, you can see like all the what ifs, the things you wish you could have, should have, would have done.

Or you can focus on all the things that you did do and all the things that you can be grateful for.

And it's perfectly okay to pay attention to both sides of the coin.

I feel like we as humans crave happiness and positivity so much that we think that we shouldn't even acknowledge, like, the sadness, disappointment, regret, and those feelings.

But I think that the reason that we experience them is because there's a lot to learn from them.

I feel like that really tells you what's important to you.

Like, last year, I really wanted to give myself a tattoo for my birthday.

But guess what?

Here I am at the next birthday and I didn't give myself a tattoo.

So yeah, I feel bummed for not doing that for myself.

That was like a little goal that I had.

But, you know, being bummed about that just lets me know that that's something that is important to me and that would make me feel really special.

So I am now making that a priority this year.

I'm actually getting my tattoo at the end of this week.

Now that I say that.

Again, sorry dad.

But that's just like an example of how I'm trying to learn the lesson that my disappointment is teaching me kind of thing.

And I can apply that to a lot of different things that I wanted to accomplish, but did it in the last year.

So you know, I do plan to have like a little bit of a journal moment to like dive into that a little bit deeper for myself personally and set you know, just some more goals for myself as a 24 year old.

You know, what are the things that 23 year old Kaylee really wanted for herself?

Do I still want those things?

Did I make progress towards those things?

How am I going to make progress towards those things if they are still things that I want?

You know, what what do I think now kind of thing?

I don't really work from journal prompts very often, but I do think that they can be very helpful.

But those are just kind of like the questions that have been floating through my mind a little bit as I prepare to have that little session for myself.

I was listening to, was it Mantra or The Psychology of Your 20s?

Both of them are by a gal named Gemma.

I am kind of a new listener, but I've really really been enjoying them.

I feel like they're super informative and super wholesome.

So if you feel like, you know, you need some like uplifting mental health related content, I would definitely check that stuff out.

But kind of in preparation for this episode or like inspiration-wise, I listened to an episode she recently released that had to do with, you know, birthdays and birthday anxiety and that kind of thing.

And something that she mentioned that she does is that she has like a little birthday journal.

So she takes some time like around her birthday every year to just like write out a few pages, you know, reflect upon the year, set goals or stuff like that.

And I'm quite inspired, you know, as a journal or myself, I do think that it would be really sweet to have a journal that is really for my birthdays kind of thing.

So that might be a little thing that I take on in my own life.

Now, I do want to transition a little bit to the flip side of the birthday blues, the positives that can kind of come from them, like I was sort of mentioning before.

With all these negative feelings that come, you know, we still have the opportunity to learn something, right?

And I think that focusing on all the things that we have learned throughout the year is also a really wonderful thing to focus on.

Like, what lessons have I learned, you know?

Because maybe you didn't accomplish a specific goal that you kind of set for yourself, right?

Yeah, that's bummy, that's fair.

But did you happen to learn an unexpected lesson that life kind of decided that you needed to learn?

And are you a better, happier, healthier person because of it?

Like, did the universe give you an opportunity to grow?

Like, there are reasons why we don't feel good all the time and why the universe kind of puts us through challenging times.

And, you know, the only thing that I feel like really, like, comes from that kind of pain that is, like, positive enough to, like, make it worth it is growth.

I do feel like that concept can also be kind of, like, molded to fit into, like, other, like, religious beliefs.

Like, you know, God doesn't put anything on your plate that you can't handle kind of mentality.

But even if, you know, you're not particularly religious, I don't know, I feel like spiritually, I believe that everything does happen for a reason.

And all of the hard things we go through, we go through to learn something, to come out stronger, you know, on the other side.

And I think that, like, possessing the resilience to go through those hard times is a huge, huge accomplishment that, like, we as humans should probably, like, appreciate about ourselves a little bit more.

Like, we can just be such, like, Debbie Downers sometimes, you know, just being like, life sucks, life's so hard, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But, like, when life's like that, we need to, like, take a look at ourselves and be like, but we're still here, we're still doing it, we're still surviving, we're still making it in some way, shape, or form.

And, you know, it might, it might suck, but it still counts for something.

And I think that, like, that's what we need to place more value in.

And that's how we, like, allow the hard times to, like, you know, be worth something, mean something.

And I feel like a lot of this ties into how we view success as humans.

You know, a lot of people view success based on, like, accomplishments.

Like, did I get the promotion?

And I'm making enough money.

Do I own a house?

How many cars do I have?

Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I think this is also something I've hinted at before because I personally, like, just feel so, so strongly about this, that success has absolutely nothing to do with any of that, any of those, like, material monetary things.

Do I think that those things can make your life easier?

Sure.

Yeah.

Nice to have.

You know, our society is, like, built around those things.

So, like, having them definitely makes it easier to just, like, function in the world that we live in.

But I don't think that any of those things have to do with, like, success and fulfillment as a human.

I feel like that really comes from how you spend your time.

The kind of person that you're working towards becoming, like, are you putting in the effort to, like, become the best version of yourself?

That's a really wonderful accomplishment to, you know, be grateful for and congratulate yourself about.

But if you kind of know that you're not really putting in the work to grow as a human, like, you're allowing yourself to stay stagnant when you want something else, like, what are you doing, bud?

And all to say, just like, overall, how we view success, you know, the perspective that we develop when it comes to, you know, viewing ourselves, especially like, judging ourselves and our accomplishments over time, I think just like makes a huge, huge difference.

And it can be a really great way to combat, you know, some of those birthday blues.

Something else I did want to touch on in regards to birthdays was aging as well.

I feel like I'm not quite at the place where, like, I really feel like I've internalized these thoughts, but I hear them all the time on the internet.

And I feel like these narratives that are just floating around on the internet are so easily absorbed into our identities.

And frankly, like, we need to knock it off.

You know, like people say, you know, the 20s are the best times of your lives.

What about the rest of your life?

Shouldn't that be a wonderful time too?

In fact, we're told we're supposed to work all of our lives until we're 65 and then we're finally allowed to enjoy things.

Shouldn't that be the best time of our lives?

Me, I want all of it to be the best time of my life, but that's also unrealistic.

So, you know, I'll settle for more good days than bad days.

That's at least, you know, my like lifelong resolution.

But you know, we as humans are so, so afraid of aging.

And I feel like a lot of it has to do with like the existential crisis, you know, revolving around like death and just like wanting to accomplish, you know, things, but not accomplishing those things and just like a lot of that jazz.

But I feel like a lot of it also has to do with like our own personal vanity, you know, like getting wrinkles and gray hairs or perhaps like our mobility, which I think is a super duper valid thing to like stress about.

But I feel like if, you know, you're concerned about your mobility getting older, then you should be like putting in the work as, you know, you're younger or just like wherever you're at today, you know, start making progress towards, you know, keeping your body like a healthy vessel for your mind to exist in.

And also, you know, trying your best to keep your mind healthy as well, whether that's like therapy, puzzles, reading, you know, there are a lot of different things you can do to just like try to set yourself up for success as an older human.

And, you know, I get it, you know, we see older folks, sometimes senior citizens that really seem like they're having a hard time and not enjoying life, whether that's like moving around, struggling to like think or just being at this place where they're not really able to do the things that they really, really want to do in life and super valid to be afraid of that.

But I think something that we really need to like hold on to and remember the positive side of aging is that getting older is the whole point.

You know, we all want to get older, right?

And getting older allows us to make better decisions because we know more, we're wiser, we've gone through things to learn more lessons.

And, you know, I think back to, you know, high school me, and yeah, she was, you know, having a lot of fun.

She was maybe more fit than I am now, just like, you know, having like school sport practices constantly and all that jazz and just having like the time to focus on those things and whatever.

There are just, you know, a lot of traits about like that version of me that I could wish to have now.

But, you know, the me that I've like grown to become, I do value a lot because, you know, it took a lot of hard work to get here, especially on like the mental side of things.

But I'm really proud and happy with this older version of myself.

I feel like, you know, I'm much more open and accepting and honest and, you know, loving as well.

And why wouldn't I want to be those things?

But if I didn't go through things, if I didn't age a bit, I wouldn't have accomplished that sort of growth, you know what I mean?

So that's something that is like really, really beautiful.

And I feel like that's the point in our lives.

You know, we're supposed to learn, we're supposed to grow.

And the only way to do that is to wake up another day and have more experiences and make more choices, think more thoughts, say more words, yada, yada, yada.

That's what life is.

So yeah, we can throw wrinkles and, you know, gray hairs and, you know, issues within our bodies onto the list of fears that we may have to face in this life.

We can go ahead and tack them on there.

But, you know, by no means should we, should we waste our precious, precious time dwelling on them, trying to fight it.

Like, I feel like that's the point of so many, like children's movies, like Harry Potter with Voldemort is like this desire for immortality is, you know, unrealistic.

You know, everything's not going to be the same forever.

At some point, we're going to have to learn to adapt.

At some point, we're going to have to learn to accept change in our lives.

And I feel like once you get to the point of being able to do that, you're actually allowed to like, you're actually allowing yourself to appreciate where you're at and enjoy yourself and find peace within it all.

And to just, you know, write on this narrative a little bit more.

I feel like getting older is badass.

Like, you get to go through like all these different life stages.

You know, being a single person, perhaps being a parent and then a grandparent.

Like, you couldn't be a grandparent if you never got past being a teenager.

You know what I mean?

Anywho, yeah, it's just, it's the circle of life.

We need to embrace these things.

It's how things are.

So there's no use fighting it, you know?

And now for a last little chunk of birthday chit chatter.

I did want to touch on just, like, how to have a nice birthday, you know, some different, just, like, mental notes to hold on to or ideas for your next one coming up kind of thing.

You know, we did talk about lowering expectations.

Honestly, one of my favorite, like, birthday days that I don't necessarily, like, remember having, like, a super bummy time.

I don't know, maybe I, like, cried alone because I, like, lived alone.

But, like, again, I don't, I don't really remember it.

So, it was just, like, one of my birthdays that, you know, was just on, like, a regular workday.

I forgot to take the day off, so I knew I was just gonna be hanging out with my coworkers, but they let me, like, take over the speaker in the workplace, so I got to be, like, playing my music the whole day while we were just, like, grinding things out.

And, you know, after that, I went to a little dinner with my now partner, new-ish boyfriend at the time, and we just went out to, like, my favorite place to eat in town.

It's not, like, super duper fancy, but, like, is fancier than just, like, everyday kind of food type thing.

So that was just, like, really, really lovely.

And everything was simple.

I didn't really have, like, tons of expectations because I was just kind of in, like, a transitional season of life.

And I feel like that's what a lot of different, you know, like, birthdays, especially, like, in your 20s, can feel like, you know, you're just around all these different, like, transitional stages.

Like, so, so much can happen, like, at this time as you're just, like, figuring out how to be an adult.

So sometimes, you know, doing something extravagant or just, like, really out there for your birthday is just unrealistic, or the energy just isn't there sometimes.

And that's totally okay.

But I just, like, that was, like, a really simple birthday.

I don't remember, like, anything, like, like, really just out there, unusual happening.

But it was sweet.

I remember enjoying myself.

The food was good.

The company was good.

The music was good.

How could I complain?

And yeah, I just, I definitely have been taking mental notes of that versus, like, other birthdays where I planned, like, a lot, a lot of things.

And, you know, that led to things just, like, not going according to plan, which led to disappointment being the alternative.

And yeah, it just proves to me that, like, less is more.

That's really what I'm trying to say when it comes to birthdays, less is more.

And I feel like I kind of accomplished that this year, you know, I really just wanted to have, like, a cheaper birthday day, like, a free-ish day, you know, really just only, like, paying for food, kind of, because we have to eat anyways.

But even then, just, like, keeping things really simple, because, like I mentioned before, like, my goal this year was to get a tattoo, since that's something I wanted to give myself last year, but didn't, so I made it the priority this year.

Like, last year, we, my partner took me out for a really special day, like, going on adventures.

We went, like, spelunking, I don't know if that's the right term, but we went into some, like, caves, and it was, like, a really cool, adventurous day, but we did a lot, so there was not room for, like, a tattoo and whatever, which is okay.

This is just how my personal cookie is crumbling.

All to say that, like, this year, I just, I wanted to save my money for that, so I just wanted to have, like, a cheap little day.

So I just invited a handful of friends, you know, the people that I've just, like, stayed in contact with most in the last year.

I was kind of just, like, nervous about having people, friends come, because a few of my close friends have just moved states, which, you know, hasn't really affected our friendship.

I mean, I guess maybe a little, because we talk to each other, like, on the phone or FaceTime and text, audio message, Snapchat, instead of doing stuff in person.

But other than that, like, the friendships haven't really changed.

But that does obviously mean that, like, unless they were gonna, like, fly or drive across the country for my birthday, which I have had friends do in the past, but also different seasons of life.

Not absolutely not an expectation I would ever put on anyone, but, you know, always a delightful surprise to, like, get to spend time with someone you love to spend time with, but normally don't get to.

But anywho, that's, like, besides the point.

I was nervous this year about just, like, not having anyone to really spend my birthday with, just because, you know, life's, life in for a lot of people in my life.

And I just kept telling myself, like, even if it's just my partner and I, or even if it's just me and it's, you know, a beautiful day, or if it's a rainy day, like, you know, we can still just, like, enjoy this little moment at the park.

You know, we brought a little picnic, brought some stuff to paint, and I did have some delightful little gal pals showed up, and it was just a wonderful, super duper chill time.

My partner also treated me to, like, some shopping, so we went to a few different places, including, like, the thrift to grab, you know, some, like, sheets and blankets that were kind of more vibey, and I feel like I was just finally able to find the, like, perfect balance of, like, not having expectations, but still, like, putting in the effort to have, like, a beautiful day that, you know, fulfilled me, made me happy, brought me joy.

It was just stuff, like, I wanted to do kind of thing.

And it was just, it was really beautiful.

It was really, really enjoyable.

The weather was lovely.

The park we went to was lovely.

The ducks were lovely.

The company was lovely.

Food was lovely.

It was all lovely.

And I really felt loved.

Like, that's really just, like, the best way I could have described that day.

And it's because I didn't expect anything from anyone, really.

Like, I knew I wanted a cake, so I went out of my way to bake a cake, even though that ruined my partner's surprise to bake one for me.

But we worked on it together.

So that was delightful.

And, you know, I wanted a picnic, and I wanted it to be cute.

So we went to the thrift.

I got some cute sheets, some cute picnic baskets, got some, you know, yummy fruit from Trader Joe's, had a cake, you know, brought paints, because that's what I wanted to do and how I wanted to spend my time, you know.

I love painting.

I love being outside.

I love eating food.

I love picnics.

So I just wanted to like put them all together.

But essentially, like everything I wanted, I did for myself.

I put it in like my control and, you know, shared my wants and desires with my partner.

So like he helped and like assisted where he felt like he could in addition to like doing like the other little thoughtful like surprises that he had planned for me.

So it just all like made out for a really, really lovely time.

And again, I'm just I'm sharing this on the podcast, because this is my memoir.

And I want to remember the absolutely lovely birthday I shared with my partner and gal pals and all that jazz.

But I also want to remember like how I went about this birthday, because I'm the kind of person who thinks that I can like recreate things if I like follow the same patterns.

And you can to a degree, you can definitely learn lessons from the past.

But, you know, the biggest lesson to learn is that I can't control everything.

And I need to not expect that.

You know, I shouldn't expect to be able to control everything.

And letting go of that is a big, big part of why I think I was able to just like experience peace and joy and happiness on that day.

I think another way to kind of like ensure how to have a nice birthday, especially if like your actual birthday is like in the middle of the week, people have jobs and school and life and like things going on.

Usually, you know, you might have like your birthday party, get together a little dinner over the weekend.

I always think it's better to kind of do it after your birthday instead of before.

But, you know, it's whatever is like closer.

I do actually like it when that happens because then I kind of feel like I have the opportunity to give myself a birth week instead of just a birthday.

But it kind of just naturally happens anyways.

I feel like the month of my birthday, you know, there's just like planning and preparation and kind of like, you know, the excitement building hopefully instead of anxiety if, you know, we've planned well.

And then there's like the actual birthday and then kind of like the aftermath and stuff like that.

And, you know, I just think that, you know, spreading the love around never hurts.

But as I was saying, if your birthday is like in the middle of the week and you're probably not going to be like spending a bunch of time with people, or if you did like spend your birthday with a bunch of people, you know, you could like do this in whatever way that works for you.

But I just feel like around your birthday, having like a little solo date moment, you know, for me that's gonna be like going out probably and like journaling a little bit somewhere outside beautiful and just kind of like reflecting and you know, like manifesting new goals for the next year and just like kind of having like a nice like mental moment with myself is kind of like my plan for a solo date.

But you can really do anything.

It can be like taking yourself out to like buy little something something or get your nails done.

Or go hang out at like a new cute coffee shop in town that like you haven't explored before that you've explored a million times and you just really, really love it because it's your favorite place.

Go get yourself like lunch, you know, just you a little treat from, you know, something that's a little bit more out of the ordinary.

That is something I did actually want to mention about like my birthday that day, specifically in regards to like the food that I ate.

Like I was really like panicking whenever my partner and I were like out and about in town like shopping.

And like timing wise, like we were both hungry, but we also had a little like picnic with friends to like get to at a certain point.

So I was like, you know, we shouldn't like sit down and eat somewhere, but like fast food like McDonald's or something isn't really like my personal birthday vibe.

And we ended up finding, you know, kind of like a more local spot that I don't really go to all the time, but is also like one of my favorite places to get food from and is kind of like faster food vibes.

We did sit down technically, but, you know, it's very much like, I guess it could be considered like fast casual instead of like fast food kind of thing.

But anywho, something that I was just like thinking about a lot on my birthday is how I really liked that that's like what I chose because, you know, doing something that was just like outside of our like usual routine made it feel really special, but it was also, you know, simple.

So there wasn't a ton of like pressure or stress there.

All to say that just like getting outside of your routine a little bit, you know, taking a moment to like show yourself some love and appreciation are just like a few different things that I think are great to focus on in order to like have a delightful birthday.

Last birthday thought, I actually didn't write this in my notes, but I do just want to like give a little moment to birthday cakes.

This is something I personally get so so stressed about.

And I'm so so glad that we decided to make my birthday cake the day before my birthday.

Because it gave me time to like process the mistakes that were made.

And for me, this is just something that happens a lot of times around baking and birthdays and or like it can be both or it can just be like one of them.

But baking is very hard.

Baking is very precise.

When things go wrong, it's a lot harder to correct than like when you're cooking.

Like if I start making some like pasta sauce, and I go to taste it and it's kind of bland, you know, I can add in seasonings to like zhuzh it up a little bit.

Or if I like made it too spicy, I can like add in some like creamier things to like balance things out.

But with cake, you kind of like mix your cake, pour it in the thing, bake it, hope it comes out all right.

That's your cake.

That's what you got.

That's what you're working with.

You can't really like go back and add things or like change things.

You just kind of have to like start over at a point.

And I have a history of just like freaking out and stressing out and having like mental breakdowns over baking things.

It happened a lot in my childhood.

I think it's just like the perfectionist in me.

And again, this just has a lot to do with like expectations.

I imagine this like beautiful cake boss, super professional-esque thing from Pinterest, like in my mind, that's what I'm desiring.

I go to create it.

And I forget that even though I'm like good at cooking, I've baked plenty of things before in my life.

I'm not a professional baker.

I have not practiced this cake.

I feel like that's like the main thing is like practicing is key to developing these talents to make things, you know, look good and whatnot.

So many birthdays, I have tried things that are just like brand spanking new and things have gone awry and I've cried and freaked out.

But everything has always ended up fine because you know, desserts mostly sugar and when you eat it, it tastes good even if it doesn't look good.

And I've also had, you know, birthdays and like past desserts just like go so so well.

And that's also been lovely.

I think it's always a great option to like buy instead.

I almost feel like saving like your baking for just like regular days could be better.

And then like buy a birthday cake from someone so you don't have to like deal with the pressure or stress.

I don't know, that just might be like my future plan.

But honestly, I just I do love baking and I love making things from scratch.

And it's just like such a love language for me.

I don't think I'm going to ever be able to like fully let go of it, but it feels so important to me.

That's why I like put all this like pressure on it and expectation and all that jazz.

And all to say like this year, I feel like we did pretty good.

It's a cake that I've kind of made before in the past, but like with a twist.

It was a strawberry icebox cake.

It's one that I've like made with my dad a few times.

I made it at like an FFA retreat once with friends and it went really well.

And I love strawberries.

It's springtime, so they're just starting to get in season.

And I just have a love for chocolate and strawberries personally, two of my favorite flavors.

So I decided to make this strawberry icebox cake a chocolate one instead.

And for the most part, things went went pretty well except when it comes to like, you know, preparing the cake pan, how like my stepmom would always do it, how I remember her doing at least she would use like vegetable shortening and then flour and that would help things from like not getting stuck.

Except I don't usually like buy vegetable shortening.

So I used butter thinking like, you know, butters and oily fat, it's a lot tastier than like vegetable oil and like the spray stuff.

You know, the flour will be on there like it'll make it nonstick.

But that was not the case.

It made that cake stickier than any cake I've ever baked.

And the thing kind of like came apart.

Like it was just, it was a thing.

All right.

And it was really nice that the kerfuffle, the cake kerfuffle happened the night before.

So I could just wake up the next day and just be like, you know what, if this cake doesn't come out of the pan now that we're ready to like put it together, we can just tear this whole thing up, mix it with the frosting that we made and we can make cake pops or just have like, you know, jars of deconstructed cake that just like taste really good.

And it was nice to have that backup plan, but it actually worked out.

We just, you know, had some little cake pieces be left behind.

And we also forgot like an entire layer of the cake.

Also, actually, we just didn't realize it until after we put the whole thing together.

And then it was just like, it's too late.

It just it is what it is.

But it was like chocolate cake.

And then my partner, he made some like strawberry syrup from, you know, fresh strawberries, just like that, and like sugar mashed up and whatever.

So poke some holes in the cake, added strawberry syrup, added in like some like homemade frosting, whipped cream kind of thing.

And then we were supposed to add in a layer of fresh strawberries, but we forgot that we just put the next layer of cake in more frosting, and then some like decorative strawberries on top.

And that's just that's how we left it.

And honestly, when we were eating the cake afterwards, like at home, we did add in like the extra fresh strawberries like with our slices, and it was a really great addition to the bites.

I do think that they were kind of necessary.

I feel bad that like my friends didn't get to share in that experience.

Only with their one decorative strawberry on top, perhaps they got that, you know, flavor, texture, profile, combo, whatever.

But all to say is that everything worked out in the end.

It was absolutely delicious.

I got to enjoy it for a few days.

I kept wanting cake for breakfast because that's actually a silly little something that my dad would always talk about and we would do sometimes every once in a while.

We were, for the most part, a fairly health conscious household once we like learned how to do that, at least.

But like cake for breakfast was just always like one of those things like if it was your birthday or if we happen to have it, if we happen to make it like, you know, then why not indulge the sweet tooth a little bit.

But as much as I like wanted to do that and how like cake and coffee sounds like such a wonderful combo like later in the day whenever I'm not willing to drink coffee because I'm pretty strict about my personal caffeine intake, so it just like works well.

I like to be a lightweight, you know, like it's nice to just have to buy one drink at the bar or I need one cup of coffee for these things to do their job, you know what I mean?

But there have been many evenings where I've craved like a cup of coffee and some cake and in the mornings when I'm having my coffee, you know, cake just doesn't sound very good.

I actually just want a real breakfast like eggs, you know?

So that's just a few more silly little thoughts.

All to say like a lot of pressure can also be centered around like just the cake or little itty bitty aspects like the decorations, the location, the guest list, like all these things when it comes to like party planning, event planning, and you know, it's up to us to learn about ourselves and our preferences and to be able to like communicate our desires.

And it's also up to us to just like let go of the things that we can't control.

That's something I'm trying to focus on very, very hard in every aspect of life these days.

Always easier said than done, of course.

But you know, when it comes to birthdays, less is more.

Let go of those expectations.

It's all gonna work out.

The birthday is gonna happen whether, you know, the time will pass no matter what we're doing.

So we might as well just try to enjoy ourselves, but don't stress if you don't.

It's just, it's another day.

And you know, if your birthday wasn't special, make the next day special.

You have the power to do that.

We have the power to control a certain amount of things in our lives.

So let's use it wisely.

Alrighty, boy, boy, have I been yammering.

I feel out of practice taking a couple of weeks off, but we'll get in the groove.

We just have a lot to catch up on.

That's why I've got a lot to say, you know, all the pent up yammering.

But we do have a lot to talk about on the astrology front as well.

Honestly, so much that I'm probably gonna like leave y'all to your own devices.

If you really care that much, you can go click on the links that I include in the show notes and descriptions and all that jazz and explore yourselves.

But we had the lunar eclipse a couple weeks ago.

I do think that I did touch on that.

And hopefully, that's not incorrect information.

So I don't really have to say much more than that.

But what's super cool about just having the lunar eclipse is that, I think it was yesterday as I'm recording this.

So kind of over this last weekend, as you might be listening to this, we had a solar eclipse, a partial solar eclipse.

I'm actually pretty bummed at myself because my partner and I put in all the effort to stay up super duper late and see the lunar eclipse.

I took a few pictures.

They didn't turn out very good just because I didn't have a very good place to put my tripod and stuff.

The angle of the moon is just very up.

And anywho, it was just a thing.

So I got a couple of fun pictures, but they aren't really amazing, like, nighttime photography pictures.

It's just something that I haven't spent a lot of time practicing with in the photography department.

But we put in all that effort.

It was really cool.

The moon did end up kind of like red, which was kind of neat, but we didn't put in any effort whatsoever to go see the solar eclipse.

It's something I'm usually pretty good about because they excite me a lot.

And these ones just extra excited me because it's Aries season, which just started also by the way on the 20th of March.

I feel very special as like an Aries baby who's like at the beginning.

I'm not even like the first day, so that's just like proof that you don't have to be like number one to still like hold on to the like vibes, you know?

But even though I didn't go out and see it, the solar eclipse still did happen.

And I feel like even though I didn't watch it, you know, the vibes were still there in different ways.

Now, if we pull up the Cosmic Latte and check out some of our recent posts, talks about how the solar eclipse in Aries had themes relating to self-discovery, self-prioritization, relationships, courage, passion, new beginnings, direction, breaking the pattern.

I've done a lot of talk about patterns today and change.

So it's always cool whenever like things that I've been like talking about and feeling like my mental focus has been on come up in these little things because like I'll see them on my feed, but I don't really pay too much attention to them until I like deep dive here.

And then it's kind of that like aha moment, you know, especially just like getting like a second glance at the little posts.

To dive into things a little bit deeper, break things down a little bit in regards to the solar eclipse.

When a new moon occurs near the north node, they're charged with like a sense of restlessness, you know, hunger for risks and just like that fresh start, new horizons, new beginning kind of vibe.

Again, new moon, new beginning.

And this solar eclipse was in Aries, you know, that cardinal fire sign first up in the zodiac lineup.

You know, Aries is known for being playful, but also, you know, very passionate, very assertive.

There's like a quest for self-actualization, self-awareness, you know, following your own impulses, your own intuition is very prevalent in the Aries zodiac.

And it's this, you know, solar eclipse in Aries that's kind of like holding that mirror up towards ourselves, you know, causing us to take a second look and, you know, focus on the relationship that we have with ourself.

I feel like that's also been super present with the different retrogrades happening with Venus and Mercury, you know, just like our relationship with ourself is the most important relationship we're ever going to have in this life.

It's going to set us up for success or failure in every other category, you know, how we're showing up for ourselves, how we're taking care of ourselves, the way that we show ourselves love and appreciation, and also hold ourselves, you know, accountable and all that jazz, you know, determines like what our foundation is like for, you know, developing relationships with other people and other, you know, concepts, ideologies in life.

So, and you can check out the Cosmic Lattes, like actual post if you want to see like what pertains to your specific zodiac sign, theme-wise, theme-wise during this, you know, solar eclipse season.

And even though this isn't coming out on the day of the solar eclipse, it's kind of like a portal window, you know, a couple of weeks before, a couple of weeks after, you know, the vibes are very relevant.

So, you know, if something significant didn't happen, like the day of the eclipse, or you didn't feel like a vibe shift or whatever, like, that's okay, it's not always instantaneous.

Sometimes it happens over time, sometimes it will be a little bit more instantaneous, but like a little bit later, like, this is the energy of the universe we're talking about.

But yeah, you can go and check out your own more like personalized theme in the Cosmic Lattes post, but for this like season, you know, we're looking for having less self doubt, putting off action, procrastinating, people pleasing, call me out there with that one, and feeling incomplete and living life on autopilot.

I feel like that's so easy to do, especially when like life gets hard for me personally.

I like disassociate sometimes because, you know, it's just like a little survival mechanism to just get through things.

And, you know, I don't feel like I'm like actually like being intentional and like living life.

I feel like I'm just like going through the motions of things when that happens.

And that's not ideal.

I want to value my own precious time and make the most of it.

So this calls for a season of more self-trust, more accountability, taking charge, self-discovery, you know, kind of looking for wholeness within ourselves.

And you know, regardless what you might think of astrology and the stars and whatever, whatever, like, you know, it is just like a great reminder to look inwards, do a little bit of reflection as I talk about and probably in every episode at this point.

But you know, just like taking your power back and you know, giving yourself love and focusing on the relationship you have with yourself.

Like how could that hurt you?

You know what I mean?

Like whether it has anything to do with the stars or not.

You see what I'm saying?

But anywho, I'm gonna wrap up the astrology stuff there.

I do have life updates, of course.

It's been a couple weeks since I've yammered and yapped at you.

So I'm gonna get into it.

Part of the reason why I skipped, you know, some episodes is because we did have some like family come into town a little bit unexpectedly.

And I just found it silly to like not spend time with them to like record instead.

You know, I can skip a week to be present with the people in my life that are important to me.

We made some really great memories.

We had a little hike at sunset up a mountain.

If you've ever been to Tucson, you probably know what it is.

If you've ever flown over Tucson, you've probably seen it.

It's just a mountain with a really big A on it for Arizona.

But I had never been all the way up to the A, and we took one of our dogs with us, and he loved, you know, getting some new smells in, just getting out of the house.

And yeah, it was just it was just lovely to spend some time with family, especially because it was like my partner's family.

So I really value just like more opportunities to get to know them, especially in person, because they're not all like here.

And I do want to put like energy into like fostering those relationships.

So it was a really, really wonderful time.

Definitely worth missing an episode.

So sorry if your feelings are hurt by that.

At this time, though, I was also just not feeling like recording either.

I think I was kind of going through a bit of a vulnerability hangover.

I recently kind of started putting together a portfolio of some of my art pieces.

And personally for me, like, I don't know, I've just never done that before with like my art painting specifically.

I feel so, so differently about like my photography work.

I feel very confident about my photography capabilities.

Probably because I've been doing it since I was 16 years old.

So I have, you know, like eight years of experience at this point.

But when it comes to painting, you know, I've only been doing it for a few years and I've never really taken it seriously until recently.

And so, you know, sharing my portfolio with people to like literally judge my art, to see if they like it, to see if they like want it or want me to do something like similar with it kind of thing was just absolutely terrifying.

And I feel like the feedback I got back was like neutral.

Like it wasn't, oh my god, so amazing.

But it also like wasn't a no either.

It was like, okay, let's see like where we're going with this kind of thing.

Like I see the vibes.

Let's, you know, I don't know.

I don't I don't I don't really know what's happening with it.

If anything, but just like sharing it with people at all was just like absolutely terrifying.

And I'm really proud of myself for doing that.

You know, it's I was just telling myself like throughout the whole time, like if I get rejected, like that's actually a good thing because it's going to give me an opportunity to learn how to deal with rejection.

And if I don't get rejected, that's also a good thing.

It's that means that like, you know, I'm I'm on the right path, I guess.

And you know, my my art has just like value in other people's eyes too.

Not that I need other people to determine its value, but I don't know, you know, art's just like a weird space like that.

And it's it's so vulnerable because it's just like the contents of my mind that I'm like sharing with people, the world.

So yeah, I definitely believe in like the vulnerability hangover.

I also believe in like energetic hangovers.

I feel like I experienced them whenever I'm like around a lot of people for my job.

I work events sometimes and like the next day after that, like I don't want anything to do with any humans.

So like when I do have to work like the next day after an event, I'm definitely, you know, not my most like peppy, energized, upbeat self, but but I still show up and I still do the dang thing.

So there's that.

But I will also say now that just like some more time has passed, I have kind of gotten over it.

I feel like that is just kind of one of the things where like time heals.

And it's also probably because like not much happened.

Like there wasn't really a yes, there also wasn't really a no.

It's kind of just like this like neutral outcome of like, we'll see where things go kind of thing.

So it does have me like a bit more motivated to work harder on my portfolio and come out with more pieces, which then just leaves me to kind of just like this, like financial strain because I've used up a lot of my materials for like my more textured pieces.

So that's just something that's just going to have to like be saved up for, I guess.

I also feel like super duper rushed.

I have this like opportunity potentially coming up after April passes to like have my own little art booth somewhere perhaps.

And I'm not at all ready.

Not, not at all whatsoever.

I have like all these ideas.

I'm slowly but surely like getting things together and I'm trying to give myself just like a lot of grace, but I also just feel a lot of mental pressure because I want it so bad.

You know what I mean?

But we will see where things go in the art department.

I just need to keep creating art, keep working on my art.

I'm reminding myself that like if there's something I don't really like, I can always come back and fix it.

It became very obvious to me as I was like going through and like taking pictures of my pieces.

I was like, all these feel unfinished.

Now that I'm like looking at every like nook and cranny of them, I just see all these flaws.

I feel like it very much like brought out this like judgmental side of myself, and I easily just like fell into like that classic artist narrative of like, I love this when I was making it, but now that I'm looking at it, it's just like fucking garbage.

No one's gonna want it.

It's just like all these just like really mixed thoughts, you know, negative ones, positive ones, because you know, they're just like fighting each other all the time.

I feel like it very much relates to this quote from a song by Sami Rae and The Friends that I came across the other day, I guess maybe quote's the wrong word, like a lyric, but it was just like a, it had something to do with like, you know, in your mind, your inner child and your ego getting into like a knife fight with one another.

And I feel like that's really what it is.

Cause like my inner child found so, so much joy in creating the pieces.

And that's why I like find them to be so exciting and so beautiful and why I feel so much love towards this art that I'm creating.

But as soon as I started like judging it, my ego stepped forward and it's like, this isn't good enough, you need to fix this, like people are gonna see this and like yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda.

And you know, it's just all part of the journey, I do think, you know, I need to remind myself like the fact that I'm like working through these different things mentally and going through these experiences, taking advantage and creating these opportunities.

Like, that's what it means to be an artist.

And that's actually really fucking cool.

And I should really value that and appreciate that a little bit more than, you know, just putting all of my emphasis into.

I feel overly vulnerable, and it's hard and scary, and I feel like all my eggs are in that basket.

And, you know, I need to show myself a bit more love, I do think, too.

In order to, like, successfully stay on this path.

But moving on, which I feel my next little tidbit is just like so, so relevant.

I have been bouncing from one idea to the next and just like really struggling to follow through.

Something I've mentioned before with like my art is like I have a hard time coming back to pieces.

I feel like I have like my one day, my one session to like come out with what I come out with.

And then after that, like I can't touch it.

It's like fake, not genuine, not real, like it's just not not going to be like good after that if I like touch it, which my most recent piece I did make.

I did work on it over like the course of a few days.

And it was really great to like put that into practice a little bit.

I feel like I got a little bit of a glimpse of what it would like to be a full time artist, just like one day kind of prepping the piece and like starting little things the next day adding on to and the next day kind of like going through and finishing it.

And I still have some like final touches to like put on to it.

But this like most recent project of mine has definitely been a great opportunity to just like practice coming back to my pieces because I am just I really struggle with that.

A big part of that is just like I have so many ideas.

I feel like once I've like taken pause with one project, that's my opportunity to start the next one when really I just need to like take a break and rest and come back to the project I'm like working on, actually finish it and start the next one.

So I don't have like 16 projects started but not finished and then I feel overwhelmed and flabbergasted and all these things because I have a bunch of like half finished things and now I have 16 to do lists in my head instead of just like one type thing.

But maybe that's, is that ADHD?

Is that what that is?

But with that, I have been kind of working on a new project recently as of like today and I'm very, very excited about it.

The thoughts just kind of like popped into my head and it's, it's an idea that I've had recur a few times and I feel like whenever an idea is recurring, it's like, please, please, please give me attention and do not let me die and be like, you know, drowned out, crowded out by all of your other ideas that you have.

So today, whenever like popped back into my head, I gave it a little bit more of attention.

I gave it a home to live on and like a little notes page and just worked out a lot of different thoughts that I was having.

And I do feel quite excited about it.

It is one of those projects that's like so long term.

I feel like it'll take me decades to finish.

Like literally, I'm not exaggerating at all by saying that, but it has me so, so excited.

And I don't really have any sort of resolution for that thought of I'm just like bouncing from one idea to the next, you know, struggling to like come back to projects.

It's just a little update that that's something I'm still struggling with, still working on, kind of enabling myself by starting new projects.

But anywho, this is just my life and my process.

So I do be sharing it with you.

And last but not least for today's life updates is I have been leaning into better habits and trying to let them like snowball a little bit.

For example, like yesterday, I went outside because I knew fresh air would give me some good.

I brought my yoga mat with me because I knew I wanted to stretch.

I stand a lot in my job, so just like moving my body is becoming incredibly relevantly important to me.

It hurts to stand all day to a degree sometimes, at least whenever I'm not taking care of my body.

So I did some yoga and that was really, really wonderful.

I feel fantastic after it, honestly.

I also did some journaling, some really wonderful affirmations journaling.

I've been trying to just be more intentional with where I put my energy.

I kind of know I only have one journaling session in me for a day.

So I've been trying to use that to focus on the positives.

Part of me always just wants to get the negative thoughts out, let them live on pages.

And that can be super duper helpful.

But at a certain point, I get to be repetitive and I'm just feeding the same negative thoughts too much.

And affirmation journaling, manifesting journaling type stuff has been a really great tool for me to just kind of take control of the narrative and be like, yeah, I do feel X, Y, and Z, and that's kind of negative.

But I'm gonna take this time to force my brain to focus on positive thoughts and tell myself a bunch of really loving, kind sentences and work on, I feel like I've heard the analogy for your brain being like a ski slope.

And when you ski down it or snowboard down a mountain with snow on it, you create grooves.

And those are kind of like your thought patterns.

And each time you have a thought, it goes through the groove again and makes it deeper, makes it more solidified.

And so when I keep having recurring negative thoughts, it's just really ingraining those grooves.

But when I force myself to focus on positive thoughts, I'm either creating new grooves, new thought pathways to take, or I'm re-solidifying these new grooves that I'm forcing myself to create, if that makes sense.

That's at least just how I feel like affirmation journaling really helps me.

I just feel like I'm really taking control of my thoughts.

I'm forcing myself to adopt this more positive narrative.

But I also don't feel like it's unrealistic.

You know, it's just telling myself that I'm like worthy of love and deserving of kindness and, you know, I forgive myself for making mistakes and being human and those kinds of things.

But yeah, I just had a lovely morning where I did my journaling, my yoga, time outside, hanging out with the dog, coffee and breakfast.

And, you know, I caught myself going to like make some lunch and, you know, instead of just kind of like eating, you know, some leftovers or junk or whatever, I, you know, went to reach for like veggie.

They made myself like a little hummus plate and like cut up some avocado because, you know, I felt like I was like lacking in some like healthy fats, put some like salt on it, and it was absolutely delicious.

I just ate so many greens for that meal, and I just very much felt myself and like point out to my partner, like I really feel like I'm just like, you know, leaning into these better habits, letting it build some momentum is a good way to put it.

And I just feel like sometimes like, you know, one good choice turns into two good choices turns into three good choices.

And sometimes it's interrupted by like a bad exhausted, tired, lazier choice.

But you know, if we can do a good choice after that and like let that keep snowballing, you know, two steps forward and one step backward is still one step forward kind of thing.

And that pretty much wraps up all the yip yappin for today.

I know that was, you know, kind of a lot.

But to be expected, honestly, we do still have our tarot reading for the day.

So I really don't remember what deck we used last time, but today, we're using the Wild Reflections tarot deck.

And we'll use the other one next time and just keep on rocking and rolling with our little hippie to be witchy groove.

Such good vibes today.

Honestly, I feel very refreshed and just like excited for life.

You know, leaning into these better habits are really just like, they're doing what they're supposed to do.

They are making me feel better.

I feel good mentally.

I feel good physically.

I feel like I'm also riding like my birthday high a little bit.

Like it really was just such like a lovely day.

And I just I felt so so loved.

I feel like since my birthday, you know, other people have like worked to help fill my cup.

And I have also been putting in the effort to like fill my own cup.

So my cup has just stayed pretty full for the most part.

And I'm very appreciative of that because that's not always how life feels, you know.

But anywho, for today's tarot reading, we have the hanged man.

See, and this is the kind of yoga pose that I really want to work towards.

I definitely have been thinking, you know, since I think my last birthday, now that I say that, before then perhaps, that I do want to do more just like headstand, balance, core work with my yoga practice.

I feel like my yoga practice is very just like, stretching, breathwork oriented, which is like a decent foundation.

But I haven't really like stepped out of my comfort zone in a while.

And it's, I do kind of just miss having like some sort of goal for myself in that way.

But anywho, a tangent for another day.

We're doing a tarot reading.

We have the Hanged Man, upright, not reversed.

This is a major arcana card.

So these cards do, you know, kind of more so represent people in our lives either reflecting like ourselves or others around us, not always, but it's been said like kind of more so than just like the regular cards in the deck, which always makes me a little bit more excited when these cards come along.

The Hanged Man represents waiting and sacrifice, which I feel like that makes sense why they have that like headstand yoga position is because you, you are just like in waiting for at some point, like, you know, you will fall kind of thing.

Keywords for the Hanged Man include sacrifice, waiting, uncertainty, lack of direction, perspective, and contemplation.

At present, a period of trials has come into your life, which indicates the need to learn some lessons.

You are going through a transition period, realizing that you are stuck halfway between the old and the new.

Love meaning, love cannot be rushed, avoid romantic pressure, sacrifice for love, career meaning, uncertainty about career, waiting, forced break, thinking of next steps, finances meaning, change in perspective about finances.

This is a card that is mainly associated with waiting and suspension.

It suggests that waiting might be the thing you need to do in order to achieve success or to wait for the right opportunity.

I do feel like, you know, when people don't really, like, take the time to get to know Tarot, they could easily see the Hangman card and like see that as just like a bad omen, like, kind of thing.

But it's actually really beautiful that this card is really just suggesting to just, you know, be patient overall.

Like, you know, there are things happening around us and, you know, what's meant to be will be kind of thing.

I also find it interesting that there's, like, a little crab in the corner.

You know, it's a pretty, like, simple card as far as, like, artwork goes.

But, you know, but just, like, crabs specifically, you know, have like, are soft inside but hard on the outside.

And they're also, like, ever growing throughout their lives.

You know, they, at least hermit crabs, I guess, have to, like, find new shells to live in to be their new home as they're growing, as things are changing, kind of thing.

It's also just something I haven't noticed before.

Like, I've gotten this card for sure, but I've just, like, always placed most of my focus on, you know, the actual, like, hanged man in the little yoga position.

But, you know, that's what's cool about tarot is, like, the artwork, different things stand out to you, they symbolize different things, and it's just, like, a new opportunity for thoughts to be provoked in a different way.

And I feel like it happens in the way that the universe wants it to happen for you, or if you're a religious god, or whatever you call your deity.

But anywho, I hope that tarot reading resonated with you a little bit.

Take what does, leave what doesn't.

And you know, just have a little bit of patience and whatever you're going through in this life.

I really appreciate you for coming and hanging out, listening to me today.

It really means a lot that you listen to my podcast.

You know, this is, you know, one of my many dreams to share my stories with the world.

So thank you for listening to them.

There is a special place in my heart for you.

I would love to see you next week as well.

If you're feeling it, you know, you can totally, definitely, please, pretty please, with sugar and cherries on top, subscribe to the podcast.

So you're in the know.

That would be super duper helpful for me as well.

Next week, we will be talking about spring, spring in general, just kind of like a little seasonal recap.

We did pass the spring equinox a few weeks ago.

That was supposed to be one of my episodes.

I think the last episode I put out said that the next one would be about spring and the pagan holiday.

So we're going to talk about all that jazz next week.

And we're kind of almost to Easter now that we're into April.

So I do feel like things will just feel a bit more relevant for other people, especially if you're in a colder place.

For us in Arizona, it started feeling like spring at the end of February, and April kind of starts to feel like summer.

But for most people in the world, the seasons are a bit more slow moving, I guess you could say actually, it really depends.

Everyone's having a different unique experience.

So no matter what experience you're having, next week we will be talking about spring.

Hope to see you there.

And oh, and yes, before I end the episode, I do want to give a shout out to my dad for picking out just the coolest, cutest clothes for me.

This is very much just giving oil painting vibes to me, and I feel like it very much fits into this new like artist style.

I'm trying to slowly but surely adopt.

I do care about fashion, just not a lot, you know?

Like I do believe in looking good, feeling good, but also I like to be cozy, and sometimes I just really couldn't care less.

Like I don't place my worth in the way that I look a lot of times, at least I try not to.

So it kind of almost makes it hard to care about fashion now, but I do, and I want to.

And I just think it's so sweet that my dad just thinks of me to pick out some clothes.

So I think this was actually one of my Christmas presents.

But yeah, just wanted to give them a little shout out since I'm wearing it on the pod today.

But yeah, like, comment, subscribe, all super duper helpful.

Love feeling the love.

And until next time, bye babes.”